Thich Nhat Hanh on Healing Ties Through Deep Listening – Asrar Qureshi’s Blog Post #1158

Thich Nhat Hanh on Healing Ties Through Deep Listening – Asrar Qureshi’s Blog Post #1158

Dear Colleagues! This is Asrar Qureshi’s Blog Post #1158 for Pharma Veterans. Pharma    Veterans Blogs are published by Asrar Qureshi on its dedicated site https://pharmaveterans.com. Please email to pharmaveterans2017@gmail.com  for publishing your contributions here.

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Thich Nhat Hanh

Preamble

Thich Nhat Hanh (1926 – 2022) was a Vietnamese, great Buddhist teacher and peace activist. He has written several books and essays. 

Relationships are complex, and hurt is inevitable. Misunderstandings, conflicts, or bad actions can rip at the fabric of connection, turning once-safe places into sources of pain. Yet, there is a way forward, one illuminated by one of the great spiritual teachers of our time, Thich Nhat Hanh. In the essay “The Art of Deep Listening and the Three Buddhist Steps to Repairing a Relationship,” we find a gentle, powerful roadmap for renewing trust, easing hurt, and cultivating loving communication.

Below are key insights from that teaching, followed by reflections on how to apply them in everyday life.

The Source of Much Relationship Suffering: Wrong Perceptions

Thich Nhat Hanh begins by reminding us that much of our suffering in relationships stems not from what others do, but from what we think they did, our stories, interpretations, fears, and vulnerabilities. We often react to our own narratives of what we believe is happening, rather than seeing what is.

When someone’s action hurts us, our mind fills in gaps with assumptions, “they meant to hurt me,” or “they don’t care”, even though the real motives might be different or unknown.

These mistaken stories become self-protecting (or lashing) devices: they shield vulnerabilities, but they distort our view and damage connection.

So, the first truth: we must question our perceptions. What we think has happened is usually only a fraction of what the other person internally experiences, the invisible motives, fears, or misunderstandings.

The Three Buddhist Steps to Repair

Thich Nhat Hanh offers a three-step practice for correcting wrong perceptions, not as a philosophical exercise only, but as an active, relational method:

Step 1: Internal Acknowledgement + Calm

Recognize internally that your picture of what happened might not be accurate.

Practice breathing, walking, calming your body and mind before reacting.

Give yourself time: taking steps to calm down helps you avoid rash words or actions rooted in fear, defensiveness, or hurt.

This inward pause is essential, it creates space to observe your own feelings more clearly, rather than simply reacting from them.

Step 2: Communicate Suffering, Not Accusation

When ready, go to the person who you believe hurt you. But don’t begin with “You did this wrong.” Instead, express your suffering, share how you feel, what hurt you.

Importantly, acknowledge the possibility that your suffering may come from your own misunderstanding or wrong perception.

Invite the other person to help you understand what really happened; ask questions, seek their version of events.

This approach avoids blame and opens dialogue rather than closing it down. It shows humility and readiness to admit you might be wrong (or only partly right).

Step 3: Deep Listening with Compassion

Listen carefully to their response. Not just to defend your own story, but to truly understand their inner reality.

Be willing to revise your perception in the light of what you hear.

Recognize that the other person probably also has suffered from misunderstanding or wrong perception.

When both parties practice this, emotionally transparent speech plus deep listening, there is space for misperceptions to clear, for empathy to grow, and for genuine reconciliation.

Why This Practice Matters -- Beyond the Personal

Thich Nhat Hanh argues that this practice is not just good for romantic relationships or friendships, but also crucial in workplaces, social polarizations, politics, and any situation of conflict. Some of its broader values:

Restored communication: When wrong perceptions are corrected, misunderstandings dissolve and open dialogue becomes possible again.

Compassionate view of others: Recognizing we share vulnerability helps shift from “wounded self” to connected being.

Peace through practice: Real peace isn’t just external; it begins inside each person, and when we practice peace internally (calm, listening, humility), it ripples outward.

Practical Application: Making Deep Listening Real

Theory without practice remains a wish. How can we integrate these steps into daily life? Here are concrete practices:

Pause Before Reacting

Before responding to something hurtful or confusing, take a few deep breaths, maybe even step away physically if possible. Ask yourself: What assumptions am I making? What fears or insecurities from my past might be coloring my interpretation?

Use “I” Language

For example, “I felt hurt when X happened. I might have misread, and I’d like to understand.”

This softens communication. Rather than “You did this,” it becomes “I felt this way … help me understand why.”

Ask Questions, Do Not Assume Intent

“Can you help me see what might have led you to say/do that?”

“What was going through your mind when this happened?”

These questions open the door to hearing someone’s side, rather than assuming their motives.

Listen Without Interrupting

Deep listening means setting aside defensiveness, egos, mental rehearsals.

Allow the other person to fully express. You don’t need to agree, but understanding is the bridge.

Own Up to Misperceptions

If you learn you misperceived something, admit it. A sincere “I realize now I misunderstood … I’m sorry” goes a long way. This doesn’t make you weak; it shows maturity, humility, and commitment to the relationship.

The Fruits: What Grows When We Practice

When we follow this path, relationships can be transformed in ways that conflict or distance make hard to imagine. Some of the outcomes include:

More authenticity: When people speak from their wounded hearts and when they listen with openness, relationships become less defensive and more real.

Deeper trust: Transparency and vulnerability build trust, because both sides see that they are heard, understood, and that the relationship can endure misunderstandings.

Reduced resentments: Unspoken hurt tends to accumulate. When we voice suffering and seek to understand, many resentments lose their grip.

Greater peace and inner freedom: For the person who practices even these steps alone, there is internal relief. Acknowledgement reduces emotional burden, and listening softens anger.

Challenges and Common Obstacles

Applying Thich Nhat Hanh’s steps isn’t always smooth. Some common pitfalls:

Defensiveness: When you fear you might be wrong, or your self-image is at stake, it’s hard to be humble.

Fear of vulnerability: Admitting that you misperceived something or that you’re hurt can feel risky.

Listening with intent but not practicing real empathy: People sometimes “listen” but are already forming counter arguments in their head.

Silence or unwilling interlocutor: The person you approach may not respond well, or may also be locked in their narrative.

Even so, the practice itself, whether both sides fully engage or not, tends to shift your own mindset toward healing.

Sum Up

In an age of polarization, digital communication, and social distance, wrong perceptions multiply.

Social media amplifies what we believe and suppresses what we might not want to hear.

Conflicts escalate quickly when people do not take the time to slow down, breathe, question assumptions.

Relationships: familial, professional, political, are fraying in many places because miscommunication is cheap and easy.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s wisdom provides tools for repair. They remind us that love, trust, and understanding begin with small, courageous acts of kindness: admitting the possibility of error, speaking gently, and listening deeply.

Concluded.

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For most blogs, I research from several sources which are open to public. Their links are mentioned under references. There is no intent to infringe upon anyone’s copyrights. If, any claim is lodged, it will be acknowledged and recognized duly.

Reference:

https://www.themarginalian.org/2021/10/10/thich-nhat-hanh-listening-love/